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"You had a miscarriage."
"I haven't even been on a date!"
"Right, because it's physically impossible to have sex without somebody buying you dinner..."

Subject: Hell explained by a chemistry student



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
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Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



The student got an A.

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone man enough to make me feel like a woman on this plane?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: Here, iron this!


--

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"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

Programs/folders/whatever per column, from left to right:

Mozilla Firefox, Xfire, uTorrent, Windows Live Messenger | Audiosurf, Neverwinter Nights 2, The Elder Scrolls III - Morrowind, Diablo 2 - Lord of Destruction, Warcraft III - The Frozen Throne, Torchlight, Wolfenstein - Enemy Territory | Music, My Documents, Games | My Computer, Control Panel, Recycle Bin | Dock Settings (This whole thing is a dock = telakka), System Restart, Open/close cd-drive (for lazy people like myself), clock, Windows Calculator | all minimized open programs are shown here.

Also take note of my new mouse cursor.

---

My new & enchanced Firefox appearance.

Leave Google's search engine alone and start searching with the new Ecosia, instead. You owe at least that much.

"Ecosia users can save about two squaremeters of rainforest with each search, without paying a single cent."

Really, it's no hindrance to you. Ecosia is nearly as good as Google, basically meaning that it doesn't affect your life in any negative way.

Just, do it.

No, there are no excuses although if you do come up with one, let me know so I'll counter it.


EDIT: Another upside Ecosia has over Google is the fact that they don't archive your every single search, which never was that much of a problem for me, personally. But I'm sure that there are people there who'll really like this added privacy.


Just imagine if someone (me) was there keeping record of every instance that you'd go take a shit, it's kind of the same thing. Only... Less disturbing. (and exciting)

You ever questioned the existence of our, supposedly, lord and saviour Jesus Christ? Even when them scientists have already proven his existence?

Ponder no more, join the humanity's most plausible and logical religion to-date, today. No more walking in shadows wondering what is true and what's not, find all your answers, here.

Perusmatskuu.


***
[23:28] Lakusuine: Dumdidumdidum...
[23:28] cаяnίғәҳ: bored a little?
[23:29] Lakusuine: Hmm...
[23:29] Lakusuine: What shall I lie here...
[23:29] Lakusuine: No
[23:29] Lakusuine: ?
[23:29] cаяnίғәҳ: yah
[23:29] cаяnίғәҳ: well done
[23:29] cаяnίғәҳ: :D
[23:29] cаяnίғәҳ: want me to entertain you?
[23:29] cаяnίғәҳ: am quite tired
[23:29] Lakusuine: Does that involve your genitalia?
[23:30] cаяnίғәҳ: it always involves my genitalia
[23:30] cаяnίғәҳ: as you got it as your wallpaper
[23:30] cаяnίғәҳ: yes, i implemented my penis in the wall
[23:30] Lakusuine: But does this one instance have something special to do with your genitalia?
[23:30] cаяnίғәҳ: what instance?
[23:30] Lakusuine: You entertaining me
[23:30] cаяnίғәҳ: no ;(
[23:31] Lakusuine: Aaaw
[23:31] Lakusuine: Come on
[23:31] Lakusuine: Why not?
[23:31] cаяnίғәҳ: cause i want to deny you of fun
[23:31] Lakusuine: You are no fun :(
[23:31] cаяnίғәҳ: my genitalia is tho
[23:31] Lakusuine: It's not if you don't get it involved ever
[23:31] cаяnίғәҳ: incorrect
[23:32] cаяnίғәҳ: you thinking and longing for my genitalia right now
[23:32] cаяnίғәҳ: and that's entertainment already
[23:32] Lakusuine: Actually I'm not
[23:32] Lakusuine: That would just lift my boredom greatly ;)
[23:32] Lakusuine: Your genitalia that is
[23:32] Lakusuine: Come no
[23:33] Lakusuine: On*
[23:33] Lakusuine: Pics plox
[23:33] cаяnίғәҳ: ...
[23:33] Lakusuine: I need something to fap to
[23:33] cаяnίғәҳ: nope
[23:33] Lakusuine: Yes
[23:33] cаяnίғәҳ: wish denied
[23:33] Lakusuine: ...
[23:33] Lakusuine: Why?
[23:33] Lakusuine: I seriously don't get why you are so stubborn about this
[23:34] Lakusuine: It's just your genitalia damn it
[23:34] cаяnίғәҳ: just?
[23:34] cаяnίғәҳ: nice
[23:34] Lakusuine: Like everyone has seen what you have on your pants when you used to go to swimming halls with your mom when you were like 12-13 years older
[23:34] Lakusuine: Big deal
[23:34] Lakusuine: Now
[23:34] cаяnίғәҳ: older?
[23:34] Lakusuine: Some pics over here
[23:34] Lakusuine: Younger*
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: you suck
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: (not my genitalia)
[23:35] Lakusuine: Your cock yes
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: !
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: fail
[23:35] Lakusuine: ...........
[23:35] Lakusuine: ......
[23:35] Lakusuine: ....
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: epic
[23:35] Lakusuine: ...
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: fail
[23:35] Lakusuine: Your statement is false
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: i can so read you!
[23:35] Lakusuine: You just try to deny the beautiful truth
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: what beautiful truth?
[23:35] Lakusuine: Me sucking your cock
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: well
[23:35] cаяnίғәҳ: *looking down*
[23:36] cаяnίғәҳ: nobody there
[23:36] Lakusuine: You need to wear anti-ninja glasses
[23:36] Lakusuine: Which you don't have
[23:36] Lakusuine: Did I tell you that I was the ninja mastor also?
[23:36] cаяnίғәҳ: still
[23:36] Lakusuine: I suck your cock so subtly that you don't even notice when you climax
[23:36] cаяnίғәҳ: aah
[23:36] cаяnίғәҳ: i see
[23:37] cаяnίғәҳ: i'd feel the touch tho
[23:37] Lakusuine: No you wouldn't
[23:37] Lakusuine: I've got the invisi--- ninja touch
[23:37] cаяnίғәҳ: oh
[23:37] cаяnίғәҳ: nice stuff
[23:37] Lakusuine: Ninjas are
[23:37] Lakusuine: Nice, that is
[23:37] cаяnίғәҳ: my penis is booby-trapped tho
[23:37] cаяnίғәҳ: you'd die if you ever came close to it
[23:38] Lakusuine: Oh that just turns me on
[23:38] cаяnίғәҳ: nice
[23:38] cаяnίғәҳ: your last minutes of your live, dying slowly to neuro-toxin
[23:38] Lakusuine: I've always liked the words
[23:38] Lakusuine: "booby-trap"
[23:38] cаяnίғәҳ: why :D
[23:38] Lakusuine: Dunno
[23:38] Lakusuine: Guess I just like boobies and traps
[23:38] cаяnίғәҳ: yah
[23:38] Lakusuine: And put them together = !!!
[23:39] cаяnίғәҳ: better than any climax
[23:39] Lakusuine: Your weak ones at least
[23:39] cаяnίғәҳ: weak?
[23:39] Lakusuine: Weak guys have weak climaxes
[23:39] Lakusuine: Duh?
[23:39] cаяnίғәҳ: i get insane pleasure through seeing you suffocate
[23:39] cаяnίғәҳ: whhich happens through my poison
[23:40] cаяnίғәҳ: (booby trapped penis)
[23:40] Lakusuine: I actually just get turned on by that, and I've got this on/off button that releases any poison off of my body when used
[23:40] Lakusuine: So I just let teh poison flow in my body until I feel pleased and then I just use that button
[23:41] cаяnίғәҳ: still, my climax-fluids would blast you to the wall, totally squished
[23:41] Lakusuine: Also invented by yours truly
[23:41] cаяnίғәҳ: it might turn you on too, but you can't really dodge it
[23:41] cаяnίғәҳ: and you die, choking to sperm
[23:41] cаяnίғәҳ: nice, eh?
[23:41] Lakusuine: Refer to my last statement of your climaxes for answers
[23:42] cаяnίғәҳ: which is what your nooby spies told you
[23:42] Lakusuine: I don't have spies
[23:42] cаяnίғәҳ: (nemale asking me tons of things bout my sexual life)
[23:42] cаяnίғәҳ: oh
[23:42] cаяnίғәҳ: so he's surely got a crush on me
[23:43] cаяnίғәҳ: i got so many fans
[23:43] Lakusuine: You ever wondered why you get electro shocks everytime you take a dump?
[23:43] cаяnίғәҳ: not too much
[23:43] cаяnίғәҳ: cause i knew the source anyway
[23:43] cаяnίғәҳ: and pretending to get shocked
[23:43] cаяnίғәҳ: while i actually disabled the device
[23:43] Lakusuine: I actually installed radar up your anus, to see where you are at any given time
[23:44] Lakusuine: Right now I can see that you are... On my ass?
[23:44] Lakusuine: This can't be right oh wait...
[23:44] cаяnίғәҳ: *getting out of your gf's house*
[23:44] cаяnίғәҳ: BASH
[23:44] Lakusuine: Haha
[23:44] Lakusuine: Love your weak attempts of fooling me
[23:45] Lakusuine: I installed same device up my gf's anus as well, so ye can't fool me
[23:45] Lakusuine: Strangely it also points at my anus
[23:45] Lakusuine: Oh shoot
[23:45] cаяnίғәҳ: kinda crowded dowmn there
[23:45] Lakusuine: Something went horribly wrong when planting these things
[23:45] cаяnίғәҳ: you just like shoving things up your ass
[23:46] Lakusuine: I wonder if the other 500 versions of these are on their designated anuses then...
[23:46] Lakusuine: Actually that answers my ass looks always so big...
[23:46] Lakusuine: Why*
[23:46] cаяnίғәҳ: nah
[23:46] cаяnίғәҳ: you'Re fat
[23:46] Lakusuine: Why did I choose anuses anyway?
[23:46] cаяnίғәҳ: as simple as that
[23:46] Lakusuine: Why not some normal brain implants or something
[23:46] Lakusuine: >.<
[23:47] cаяnίғәҳ: you got no such things as brains
[23:47] Lakusuine: Next time I install those on my sperm and everytime I fuck some chick without condom she get's tracked
[23:47] cаяnίғәҳ: nice
[23:47] cаяnίғәҳ: she'd actually track you
[23:47] cаяnίғәҳ: with your kid
[23:48] cаяnίғәҳ: and drain you of money
[23:48] Lakusuine: And if my gf gets suspicious I just explain her that I'm a ninja and I need to know where these persons hang out at
[23:48] Lakusuine: Hopefully she doesn't come up with some rational questions like why do I need to insert them through my sperm and stuff
[23:48] cаяnίғәҳ: haha
[23:48] Lakusuine: That'd be tough one to explain
[23:49] cаяnίғәҳ: she'd prolly be amazed that you'Re a ninja and totally fade away, being impressed
[23:49] Lakusuine: That true
[23:49] cаяnίғәҳ: i was sarcastic
[23:49] cаяnίғәҳ: you suck as a ninja
[23:49] Lakusuine: You got that right....
[23:49] Lakusuine: ;)
***