IRC-Galleria

today J would've been 27.. we would've met yesterday with T and possibly other friends and congratulate J for the anniversary of his cellular decay.. "haha, you dinosaur! ..soon you'll need a walker or a cane to help you walk" ..I miss that fat fucking bastard so much it's hurts like hell.. fuck you for leaving me and all your other friends here!

Jack-81

I've been choking on my tears for few days.. holding them in.. not letting myself fall apart. The thing is I understand why he did it.. I see things through his eyes now 'cos a lot of the stuff's happening to me: my grades are low if I'm completing the courses; I look at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see (and I even don't have the same kind of weight problems he had..); I really don't trust any of my friends enough to tell them anything.. as if they'd even care; I can't talk to my parents 'cos they wouldn't understand.. they've worked for all their lives.. been independent and grown-up..

Why can't I do it? It shouldn't be that difficult, right?

Well.. I didn't get a summer job.. I guess I didn't call early enough or something.. I was always focusing on some other thing.. to which I lost interest in few days. I feel like a failure. I won't be able to pay my rent. I won't do anything nice that costs a lot. I can live at my parent's house for the summer.. but eventually they'll pressure me about work and school (which they do when I visit them for weekends etc.)

We once talked about my pre-pubescent years at therapy.. or was it puberty.. whatever.. the period of my life when I looked after my younger sister when she was in kindergarten (= daycare) and needed to be picked up at 4pm or a bit earlier. We spent the few hours together before my mom came home from work. I've now been thinking about the fact that I never really was 'young' when my friends were. You know the time when you've supposed to be madly in love with some girl or boy who has braces in their mouth.. those awkward moments when you should kiss some one but both of you are scared shitless.. I got to that period when I was about 20.. I drank for the first time when I was 17 and I've been drinking a lot from 18 onwards (pretty much every weekend from the military months ~20-y/o->) My first real girlfriend was someone I met at college when I was 24, she was 19. Needless to say, we were both quite clueless. I was a bigger brat than she was, but you know what they say, girls mature earlier than boys.. I'd began taking antidepressants in spring of the same year. Like always, I was looking for someone to love or at least someone who could save me from myself. She was shy and I guess I managed to get her out of her shell.. at least a bit..
Unfortunately, the summer vacation ended what had been fading away for some time.

After some single-serving relationships.. I'm now living together with a girl I love (if I'm in love with her it's for brief moments when I realize how gorgeous she is.. these moments usually follow each other).. I'm scared the same will happen again.. the few upcoming months will end the relationship. I'm like a small child who needs constant care. I need someone strong enough who can assure me that things will work out.. and yes.. fuck Freud but in my case he's right.. I _do_ need a mother figure. If I don't get it from my girlfriend I'll seek it somewhere else? I hate myself for this, but I don't know if it's just a temporary thing or a part of my personality. A flaw.. an imperfection.. that dark smudge in your otherwise pristine crystal glass that just can't be removed.

You should always end on a positive note? ..My bunny gives great joy to me and my girlfriend.. he does these amazing leaps of joy and runs around the apartment.. he really loves the new home.. but he also gets weird panic attacks.. it's like he can't hear our footsteps or he's just so preoccupied all the time.

Enjoy the summer,
Yours,
~O~