1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...
2. Try and start a nudist colony in a school bathroom...
3. Sing "Ninety-nine bottles of grizzly blood on the wall.."
4. Wear a tu-tu and tell everyone to call him Princess Butterfly
5. Attempt to turn inanimate objects, such as pieces of fruit, into vampires
6. Claim aforementioned 'vampire fruit' as his army of loyal minions...
7. ...and try to get them to attack Jasper
8. Call Carlisle 'Gramps'.
9. Run through the school naked with "Momma's boy" written on his chest in whipped cream
10. Burst into tears and run from the room crying after wailing "I thought we had something special!" when Bella asks him to pass the salt at lunch
11. Write children's books (examples: 'Fun, Five Letter Words to Know and Share'; 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'; 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence')
12. Wear leather pants (no matter how good he looks in them)
15. Scratch " 3MM3TT K!CK A" onto walls.
16. Dye his hair black, wear glasses,carry around a stick and tell hordes of 4th graders he is the real Harry Potter
"You think this ought to do it?" Bella asked Edward, as she straightened the list that she had just hung on the wall. She then stood back to stand next to Edward, Carlisle and Alice as they surveyed the list that now hung on the living room wall.
Just then, a loud BAM! was heard from the kitchen. As one, Bella, Edward, Carlisle and Alice slowly turned their heads to see a fist-sized whole in the wall between the living room and the kitchen.
"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!" Came Esme's inevitable scream.
Bella took the ball-point pen Carlisle held out for her.
19. Emmett is not allowed to swat flies with a meat tenderizer
THE NEXT DAY
20. Forcefully dress Carlisle in a disco suit...
21. Refer to Jasper's empathy as "Jasper's feminine problem"
23. Tell anyone who will listen that there really is a Voldemort...
24. And that his real name is Aro Volturi
25. Offically declare the third Saturday of every month "Seduce Carlisle Day"
26. Repeatedly sing "I've got a lovely bunch of cocnuts" using items such as Edward's ego, Alice's butt, Bella's klutziness and Jasper's sensitivity as the size of the last coconut
27. fake sob and tell the guidance counselor that he feels like his family is pressuring him to be with Rosalie, and that he's unsure of his sexuality and who he really is
28. Sing "No Sleep Tonight" when Edward leaves to go watch Bella sleep
29. Hum the Jaws theme song whenever Alice walks by
30. Tell the NSA that he overheard Carlisle make a threat on the President's life
31. Ask little girls in a creepy voice if they like puppies
32. Pretend to fall asleep in class...
33. And then pretend to be having a wet dream in which Jasper is the star...
34. Especially when Jasper is sitting in the desk next to his
35. Dye his hair blonde...
36. And then tell everyone blondes really do have more fun
37. Imagine Bella naked in Edward's prescence just to annoy him
Well, that's everything for part two, I suppose." Alice said as she scanned the list.
"Not like it'll make much difference." Bella commented. She, Alice and Rosalie sat close together at the dining room table in the Cullen's house.
"Still, it makes Esme feel better to see the lists mounted in the living room. My husband. Honestly. He acts like he's seven not seventy." Rosalie replied as she put the finishing touches on her manicure.
The three stood, and headed into the living room. Alice took the list and taped it to the wall. The three girls stood back and looked at it.
Just then Emmet came running through the front door with a large object wrapped in a blanket.
"Alice! Thank goodness you're here--I need to hide the nuclear warhead before the feds arrive!"
"YOU STOLE A NUCLEAR WARHEAD!?" Rosalie shreiked.
"I was improving it!" He defended.
Alice grabbed his arm and ran with him outside, presumeably to show him a place where no one would find it. Bella and Rosalie stood in shocked silence for a minute before Bella sighed, turned to the list and scrawled at the bottom:
38. Steal nuclear warheads to improve them. Correction: he is not allowed to steal anything, including but not limited to government property, underwear, kitchen utensils and cheese wheels
Wait there's more...
39. Is not allowed to bring Edward to a strip club for his bachelor party
40. Bejewel the butt on all of Edward’s pants, saying, “Property of Emmett Cullen”
41. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to follow Mike Newton around...
42. ...And insist that he's in love with him.
43. Hide in the closet, then when his family is in the room, jump out and say in an extremley gay voice, "Hey everybody, I just came out of the closet!"
44. Ask Carlisle if he's met Dracula
45. Tell Bella that she was adopted by Charlie and Renee and her real parents are aliens from Jupiter, thus why Edward isn't able to read her mind
46. Get a dog then attempt to turn it into a vampire dog demon
47. Persuade Edward to get a Facebook or Myspace, then tell all the Team Edward fangirls about it...
48. ... or the Team Jacob fans about it
49. Emmett Cullen should not post videos of the family when they hunt on youtube.
50. Speak in an English accent while carrying around a cup of tea and repeat, "Pip pip, da doodley do" just to harrass Carlisle
51. He should not wear a green tuxedo with a wand and a pair of wings, then go door to door saying he's Tinkerbell's brother-in-law
52. Wear a pink pearl colored dress and walk up to emo and goth kids during school, then shout in their face, "Polly Pocket Rules! Oh my good golly goshness, don't you just love her?!"
53. Tell Alice that he and Jasper are secretly dating
''Finally, we're finished with part three. I just really hope he follows these." Bella said as she got up from her chair and went to put the list next to the other two.
"That was sort of annoying when he kept bugging me about how Dracula was." Carlisle said, as he walked into the room. Just then there was a loud yell from the living room, and Emmett came bursting into the kitchen.
"I just had 38 bets on me on ebay!" He yelled. "This one old dude betted two thousand dollars!" Rosalie shook her head and turned back to the list, and added,
54. Emmett Cullen must not sell himself on Ebay for any reason, whatsoever
55. Attempt to get drunk…
56. … then pole dance in front of Alice and Bella.
57. Refuse to speak, and only pass notes
58. Speak only Chinese for a month…
59. … then switch to only Swedish
60. Get a tattoo of an oak tree…
61. … on his inner thigh…
62. … then worship the almighty oak
63. Grow a mariguana farm in Esme's garden...
64. ... then when they are fully grown, replant them in Mike Newtons front yard
65. make up innapropriate lyrics to Bella's lullaby
66. climb the empire state building and claim to be king kong
I think this should do it." Bella sighed.
"You've done a good job Bella," Edward replied. She smiled and leaned against his chest as Rosalie taped the newest list on the wall.
"You would've thought, that after 73 years my husband might be just a little more mature than this." Suddenly, there was a loud crash coming from the living room. The Cullens ran to the other room, to see Emmett sitting on the floor with test tubes in front of him. His eyebrows were blackened and there was a hole in the ceiling.
"I'll get the broom..." Rosalie said. Bella just shook her head and turned to add another one to the list
67. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to buy a chemistry set then experiment trying to create a cure for cancer
That's so funny -Jessica Stanley
