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Oh, I missed you and I cried,

But I said that I was alright,

And I know it's been a while,

Since I needed a distraction,

'Cause I wanna do everything,

That you want me to, to tell you the truth,

I need to stay alive,

So sad that I could die,

It's leading me on, every time we touch,

Leading me on, every time it hurts,

Feeling so lonely, 'cause it's not enough,

Missin' you only ever since we fell in love,

And I watched you do a line,

That you spread out on the table,

I don't need to see you wired,

I just wanna see you upside down,

I wanna do everything,

That you want me to, to tell you the truth,

I listen to you cry all night,

Through the telephone,

It's leading me on, every time we touch,

Leading me on, every time it hurts,

Feeling so lonely, 'cause it's not enough,

Missin' you only ever since we fell in love,

Couldn't say you didn't want me there,

When we were lyin' in my bed that night,

You were acting like a different person,

As if, suddenly, you wanted to just be friends,

I was hurting so I took a shower,

So you couldn't hear me, knowing I had to cry,

Sad to know that while my heart was breaking,

You were sleeping or just faking,

It's leading me on, every time we touch,

Leading me on, every time it hurts,

Feeling so lonely, 'cause it's not enough,

Missin' you only ever since we fell in love.

When I was young, I thought the world of you,

You were all that I wanted then,

It faded and I never saw you again,

But I won't forget the love we had.


Come to me now,

Don't let me go,

Stay by my side,


Don't let me go,

Stay with me still,

I've missed you so.


When I was young, I thought the world of you,

I was dumb to let you drift away,

And though I guess it had to come to an end,

No one else could have the love we shared.


Come to me now,

Don't let me go,

Stay by my side,


And my heart goes out to you,

Wherever you are.


Come to me now,

Don't let me go,

Stay by my side,


Don't let me go,

Stay with me still,

I've missed you so.

en ymmärrä miks se sattuu näin paljon.
miks nyt?
miks ei viimevuonna? terapiassa?
miks nyt.

saatoin tulla kotiin ja tarkistaa et olitko sun huoneessa pelaamassa niiku aina. tiesin miten turhaa se oli mut, tein sitä monta viikkoa.
elin mun daydream maailmassa.
saatoin vaan olla ja tuijottaa mun vaaleanpunaisia seiniä ja olin täydessä transsissa siitä mitä olisi voinut olla.
et oisit kotona ku tuun kotii. pelaamassa sun pelejä.
unelmoin aina kaikesta.
ja ainaku nukuin näin painajaisia.
siitä mite mun vanhemmat oli ammuttuja ku tulin kotii.
menetys on asia,
mikä vie kaiken.
se on vienyt multa kaiken.
se vei multa ne ketä rakastin.
willen.
eddyn.
koht on nupun vuoro.
en halua kuolla, mutta mietin aina että miks miun piti käydä niin paljon läpi.
miks selvisin.
ei mun ois pitäny.
ei mun pitäis olla tässä.
mut mul on velvollisuus olla tässä.
mulla on syy.
tiedän mun tarkoitukseni maailmassa ja edes se ei ole minua itseäni varten.

joo ehkä oon sekasin.
mul on liian ikävä sua. itkettää kirjottaa näitä mut nää blogit on mun ainoo outlet. mitä ne tais olla myös sulle.
tapasin yhen ihmisen kenelle oon puhunu kaikesta. ja susta.
ja kerran ku mietin sua, aloin vaa itkee.
halusin huutaa. sattu.
fyysinen kipu, kaipaus ja suru.
how could i resent you.
en ymmärrä miks just sillo susta puhumine repi mun sielun auki.
entiiä oonko alkanu dissociate uuestaa. se vaatis fight or flight tilan.
ku puhuin asiasta itkin hiljaa, mut samaa aikaa täysillä.
tiiäks ku itket nii kovaa et ei vaa enää kuulu ääntä.
oon alkanu kaipaa sua enemmän.
kysyin mun tarot korteilta ekaa kertaa et onko mun elämän trial ja error phase ohi. onko se kaikki nyt viimeinkin kestetty.
olisiko nyt aika mennä sinne missä mun pitäis olla. mitä ikinä se onkaan.
kortit sano et en sais olla yksin omien ajatuksieni kanssa. et tarviin sitä toista pov:ta. ja et suunta mun omaa polkua pitkin on nyt käynnissä ja pääsen tekee sitä mitä haluan.

if this is it im signing off.

Getting drunk right now. It's a full SUPER moon. I feel manic.

Sometimes I realize awareness is a curse.
It fucking ruins me.

It's all hitting me at once.
I've had to consciously live for about a year. For 9 years I couldn't.
So I'm in my body after 9 years.
I have to think and process everything all at once.
It's so much.

I am me.
That's a fact.
The problem is I always believed I would die before 16.
I almost did. Kind of a close call.
I feel like I should've died there.
I can recognize myself when I see pictures of me in 7th grade.
And younger.
I don't understand HOW I got here. This far. I'm almost 18.
I love myself. I love all and every part of myself.
But I don't understand.
How am I here? How do I look like this?
Why did I have to experience the things I did.
Why me.
Why. me.

I can recognize myself through these blog posts.
I see my writing.
I can (somewhat) recognize myself when I look at a mirror.
But I can't stand looking at pictures. Videos. It's not me.
It IS me that's the problem.
The problem is I'm still here. I'm still here.
I shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't.
I am not.
I am.
I am not.