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Monta asiaa puuttuu mun muistoista sen kaiken jälkeen.

En tuu varmaan koskaan saamaan niitä muistoja takaisin.

Tuntuu että mun sydän halkeaa kun mietin sua.

Mut mä en tuu koskaan lopettamaan susta puhumista.

Laitan tähän pari quotea, jotka merkitsee mulle tosi paljon.
Nää lauseet on antanu mulle myös syytä jatkaa.


"A person is only truly forgotten if there is no one left to tell their story."


"There is nothing that can take the pain away, but eventually you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares, and everyday when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think of, until one day, it will be the second thing."


"Grief is only the love you never got to give. Grief is only the proof, that love still exist. Love is the proof there was once them."

Joka kerta kun mietin mun veljeä, mietin monta asiaa.

Mietin sitä, miten hän yritti. Monesti. Ja uskon vahvasti että viimeisellä yrityksellä hän ei varmaan edes odottanut onnistuvan. Tietty, sitähän hän halusi, mutta ei odottanut.

Kuvittele että elämäsi loppuu, vaikka oletat herääväsi seuraavan päivän sisällä?

Sitä sattuu ajatella.


Monta vuotta mä yritin hukuttaa niitä ajatuksia siitä, melkein millä tahansa mitä vastaan tuli. Oli se sitten viinaa, tai mietoja rauhoittavia, ynnämuuta huumeen mukaista. Sekakäyttöä.

Lopulta sit kuitenki päädyin alkoholiin.

Se oli uskomattoman helppoa vaan juoda, ja juoda, ja juoda.. Ja kaikki ne asiat mitä siinä välissä tapahtui.. Taitaa mun veli sit kuitenki varjella mua, missä ikinä onkaan. Taivas on jotenkin liian hyväuskoista jopa mulle. Siinämuotoa ollaan Willen kanssa oltu aika samankaltaisia.


Muistan kerran päätyväni jonkun tuntemattoman naisen kämpille aivan umpikännissä, ja itkin sit siinä hänen ja kaverini välissä mun elämästä. Siinä jokusen aikaa oltiin kunnes tää kyseinen nainen tilas taksin ja makso mulle matkan kotiin, ja tuli vielä mukaan varmuudenvuoksi että pärjään.

Hyvyyttä löytyy tästäkin maailmasta. Harmittaa ettei mun veli oo sitä näkemässä.


Puhumattakaan niistä lukemattomista kerroista millon oon juonu mua monta vuotta vanhempien kanssa, vanhimmat lähempämä neljääkymmentä.

Ei mulla kertaakaan käynyt päässä et oisin ollu vaarassa. Tai, paremmin sanoin en varmaan edes välittänyt.

Siinä kohtaa elämässä ei vaan oikeen jaksanut välittää enää.

Se oli se ja sama mulle et nukunko mä ojassa vai juonko itteni sen verran huonoon kuntoon etten nää kunnolla.

Ainakun mä juon mä mietin sitä tunnetta mitä alkoholi mulle tuo. Ja se saa mut joko juomaan enemmän tai lopettamaan siltä illalta.


Monta kuukautta ja viikkoa mä join. Päiviä putkeen. Pisimmiltään olin pari päivää juomatta. Tietty, joka päivä niistä ei menty lärveinä, mut juomassa silti.


Ja sit mä lopetin. Just ennenku täytin 18.

Ne viekkarit oli kamalat. Ja mä vaan esitin olevani kipeenä. Tärisin, en syöny enkä juonu.


Joka päivä mä ihmettelen miten mulle ei sattunut pahemmin.

Tai kuinka lähellä se sit loppujenlopuks ohi et oisinki testanny jotai vahvempaa?

Vaikka itkin monta päivää siitä miten pelottavaa se oli.

Se tunne.

Sekakäytön lopputulos oli.. varmaan elämäni rauhoittavin ja paras tunne. En ollu enää siinä spiraalissa.

Se on niin helppoa jäädä koukkuun. Ja se siinä pelottikin.

Joten otin sen tilalle sit alkoholin.


Wille, jos mä voisin sanoa sulle yhden jutun..

Kertoisin siitä mitä mun elämässä kävi sun lähdön jälkeen.



Sillonkun saatiin tietää sun itsemurhasta, olin just mutsin autossa tulossa tanssiharkoista.

Sun ystävät oli tullu aikasemmin sinä päivänä käymään, ja kertoivat et lähtevät lahteen kattomaan mitä sulle kuuluu, kun ei ole sanaakaan kuultu susta viikkoihin.

En ymmärtäny sitä aluks.

Mut siinä vaiheessa kun äiti pysähty tien reunaan ja alko itkemään sen rattiin, mun aivot alko pyörimään.

Mummo kuollu? Mut hei.. ei.. mummi kuoli kesällä.

Siinä sit parin minuutin jälkeen, mutsi käänty kattomaan mua takapenkille.

"Willee ei enää oo."

Ja siinä samalla se klikkas.

Tiesin heti mitä se meinas. Vaikka Nelle 8v aivot ei sitä välttämättä täysin ehkä tajunnnut. Me itkettiin äitin kanssa koko matka kotiin.

Seuraavana päivänä mä menin kouluun. En miettinyt asiaa yhtään. Enkä syönyt. Se päivä on elävänä mun muistossa. Enemmänkin se syömisjuttu.

Ja sit.. parin kuukauden verran mä saatoin tulla koulusta kotiin, menin kattomaan siun huoneeseen, oottaen vaa et "no siel se on, eiks nii?"

Et koskaan ollut.

I understand why. I know what caused it.
And I don't blame you.
I know why you wanted me to stay.
I know it should have never been my responsibility.
But you're still the most important to me.
I know why. And I know you never meant to scare me, you never wanted anything bad for me. You just had, and still have, alot on your shoulders.
You're carrying feelings and emotions no one can ever imagine.
You are the strongest person I know. I look up to you.
I love you.
I forgive you<3

God knows my intention, I sin for the sake of progress,

Got a big heart when it comes to my family (you are now listening to Young Chencs),

But in the streets my heart is the coldest,

My personal life ain't right but I'm putting this first so I won't lose focus,

'Member I needed a helping hand, reached out and I got cold shoulders,

They already know I can rap, the mandem trap, I can do that too,

I-I picked up the phone, I heard some terrible news that'll ruin your mood,

They made some change and forgot their roots,

I made some change and picked up the young Gs,

Took them shoppin' and copped them shoes,

This hoe forgot she got fucked,

You need a reminder you're not brand new,

I should've kicked that one to the curb,

There and then, but I'm not that rude,

Had-had some hoes back when I was broke,

They wanna come home, but I got no room,

So many years I slept on the sofa,

They don't know the half, they got no clue,

Huh? Said I was a one hit wonder,

I took that shot and I followed it through,

Don't worry 'bout hollerin' chicks,

Get rich, they'll switch and holla at you,

Sat in the trap, turned one into two,

But that ain't what I wanted to do,

The fame get a bit too much sometimes,

Fan-page tryna follow the goons,

Fan-page tryna follow my pups,

The fans love me and I love them too,

'Cause Cench ain't better than none,

La-last time I let that slide,

But this time I ain't gonna let that run,

They made, they made a diss track,

That shit was too whack to get a response, huh,

It's sad 'cause I love my hood where I'm from,

But that place ain't where I belong,

Clean up the scene, I don't need no mop,

Pull up your jeans, all I need is slops,

Don't believe in greed, I don't need a lot,

Let my Gs all eat off the cream on top,

Remember the floor went peelin' off and damp all over the ceilin',

We trap for a positive reason,

All 'cause the rap weren't bringin' no Ps in,

God knows my intention, I sin for the sake of progress,

Got a big heart when it comes to my family,

But in the streets, my heart is the coldest,

My personal life ain't right but I'm putting this first so I won't lose
focus,

'Member I needed a helping hand, reached out and I got cold shoulders,

I stay tryna better my life, but I got pain that I can't get off my mind,

I can't get rid of my demons, all of my feelings, I kept inside,

I'd never sell my soul or switch on bro in desperate times,

My angel there on my shoulder tellin' me, "No",

I'm bipolar, no Jekyll and Hyde,

I gotta think twice what come out my mouth these days 'cause I know I got a voice,

I'm the head of my family now, I gotta get in my bag, I got no choice,

I'm bait, I gotta roll safe, there's a few places that I'd rather avoid,

I made it, I might have a baby, I don't mind a daughter, I'd rather a boy,

Bro-bro could've went pro in the field, but he broke his Achilles heel,

The other, the other day it was free K-Trap, not the one from Gipsy Hill,

Fuck a eighty-twenty, I told them, "Send me a 50/50 deal",

From Bush to Beverly Hills,

I'm lookin' at bro like "Look at the shit we've built",

O-OT, I seen a man smoke crack on a Red Bull can,

I'm throwin' my Ws up like Wu-Tang Clan, I'm a method man,

Ask my mum what I'm like, she'll say that I'm selfless and I give back,

If you ask my ex what I'm like, she'll say I'm a narcissist and a sociopath,

(Came a long way) came a long way, still got a very long way to go,

Just a yute, I was confused when I saw my family takin' coke,

'Cause I understand it now that I'm grown,

Real trap boy, I don't play with my nose,

Just the way that it goes,

I can't judge them when it made me dough,

God knows my intention, I sin for the sake of progress,

Got a big heart when it comes to my family,

But in the streets, my heart is the coldest,

My personal life ain't right but I'm putting this first so I won't lose focus,

'Member I needed a helping hand, reached out and I got cold shoulders,

From Bush to Beverly Hills,

I'm lookin' at bro like, "Look at the shit we've built",

Said I was a one hit wonder,

I took that shot and I followed it through

I don't think I'll ever feel as happy as I did back then.
Addictions addictions addictions.
I don' think I'll ever feel like I used to.
I've been going backwards ever since.. I don't even remember.
I have never. Felt. This. Shit.
I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna suffer anymore.
I can't.
Is it really this much to ask, for me to be loved?

I don't know how I got this far without you.
I miss you more than anything.

I don't know what to do without you,

I don't know where to put my hands,

I've been trying to lay my head down,

But I'm writing this at three AM.


I don't need the world to see,

That I've been the best I can be, but,

I don't think I could stand to be,

Where you don't see me.


On sunny days I go out walking,

I end up on a tree-lined street,

I look up at the gaps of sunlight,

I miss you more than anything.

I don't need the world to see,

That I've been the best I can be, but,

I don't think I could stand to be,

Where you don't see me.

And autumn comes when you're not yet done,

With the summer passing by, but,

I don't think I could stand to be,

Where you don't see me.

The day after I learned you were gone, I went straight to school. Every teacher knew what had happened so I guess I was under a lot of surveillance.
I remember sitting in front of this canteen table, all of the lights being off because the whole room is empty. I remember the whirring sound of those dish-washing machines just drilling into my ears.
The cook just put some food on my plate and I was told to eat.
I remember not being able to put anything in my mouth. The thought, the smell, everything about that plate of meatballs disgusted me.
I stared at my plate while this lady was telling me I have to eat at LEAST one, then she would let me go to class.
I didn't have any kind of appetite for anything. And the thought of the school day being over and knowing you wouldn't be there to pick me up anymore, ever, was harder to handle than the thought of swallowing that one fucking meatball.
I took half a bite. Didn't swallow. She told me I could go, and while carrying my tray away I spat it out on the plate. Burnt as shit.
I can't recall anything else.
I can't recall some years.

I never would have thought that the only thing left of you would be a gravestone and a necklace.
I was never prepared to face this earth and be forced to forget your voice.
I was never prepared to grow up.
Within a chain reaction of events I am now more lost than I was the day I lost you.

Because almost ten years ago I promised I'd never plan ahead.
The most I ever got to was fifteen.
But the realization never hit until I turned 16.
Ever since that day I have been utterly lost. I have stood with a knife to my stomach trying to gather the courage to stab it through me so I could finally rest.
And all it took for me to drop the knife was my phone going off.
In that moment I was thinking perfectly. And I would be lying if I said those thoughts changed at some point.
Looking back at it, it wasn't even me snapping out of the thought.
It was just curiosity. What if something happened to my friend? Is she okay? She wouldn't be able to handle my death. My mom wouldn't.
And at that moment I realized I have to live for other peoples sake. Not for my own.

And even after all those years nothing has changed.
It's a never-ending dilemma of wanting to stay because I'm carrying something heavier than my own life. I'm carrying other lives as well.
But at the same time, I can't do this. I don't want to carry this. I am so. Exhausted. Drained. I am worn out.
But I have to be here. I have the obligation.
The responsibility.
I have to carry this.
And I can't even talk about this.

I can't take this.
I just want to scream.
I'm so sorry but I can't handle myself alone.
I'm so sorry but I need someones support.
I need comforting.
Because I never got that from anyone.
I've had to grow up thinking these feelings were wrong and,
I shouldn't show them to anyone.
My feelings are a burden.
For once I would like to believe my feelings matter.
And that I'm not being annoying or a burden by crying.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who I'm apologizing to.