IRC-Galleria

It's like he's sleeping.

His eyes are closed, he's looking peaceful and his fringe is covering his left eye. He's not sleeping but he is, his heart is still beating faintly but he can't wake up, he doesn't have enough of a strength to open his eyes. His black eyelashes create dark shadows to his cheekbones and Edward fights against an urge to poke him in an attempt to wake him up. He's not going to wake up though. It's hard to believe that he's almost gone when he's right in front of his eyes, but Edward has to admit, his brother is even paler than he used to be, his lips have a blue shade in them and the cold feeling in his own heart is growing larger and larger as John slips away from him more and more, second by second.

He can already feel his eyes start to fill with tears but he refuses to cry, not yet, he has an eternity to cry but now, when he's still in the same room with his brother, when they're not entirely separated, his brother is still not fully gone, he wants to make the most of it. He's grasping his brother's hand, listening to the slowing sound of the heart monitor and trying to catch the fading seconds as the fly on by, John's chest is rising and falling too slowly and he's mumbling nonsense into his brother's ear.

"Don't you dare to leave me", he whispers and John's eyelids twitch, it's like he's saying that he's not going to leave him and Edward kinda wants to believe him. Because when they were six he promised that he'd never leave him alone and he has never broken his promises and Edward doesn't get why he would break them now.

John is getting colder in his grip and Edward is going back in time in his thoughts, remembering the things he promised they'd do but never did, remembers the fights they fought and he really regrets it all, he really does, and if he could he'd go back in time and make it all better, do the things he should have done and kiss all the wounds in his twin's body better. Maybe there was wounds that couldn't be healed, maybe one of them flared and broke his twin apart, left him defenseless for a second too long, maybe a second was enough for the cancer. Edward wonders sometimes how he didn't get sick too, they are twins after all, he wonders why God ever gave him something as perfect as John if He knew he'd take him back one day. He wonders if it's a punishment, if it's a sneer or if it's something that's supposed to tell him that they were only humans, maybe they were just too happy.

And yes, what ever it was, it worked - he's been crying for a year, every day, he's been struggling and he's been afraid of this day.

John's lips move and it's like he's trying to say something but it's not possible, he's far too gone for that, he's been for weeks and Edward doesn't let a tear to fall to his cheek. Something in his pained expression reminds Edward of the time when they were kids and John had seen nightmares and Edward wasn't able to wake him up... And for a while he lives the exact moment, it's midnight and it's cold in their room, John is crying in his sleep and no matter what Edward does he doesn't wake up. It's raining and the moon is so close to their bedroom window that Edward can see it reflecting in John's eyes - when did they open? - and he's screaming. He's awake and he's safe and he's screaming, and Edward is so relieved that he starts to cry too and they lie there holding each other in their arms for a long while. John doesn't tell him about his nightmare and Edward doesn't ask.

It's almost like the first time they found out about John's condition and when John told Edward to go out of the room and Edward listened to the conversation between John and the doctor trough the door and cried silently. John had tried to block him out of the pain, out of the desperate fight between life and death, Edward had sat on his bed, watching as his twin lost weight, how he got weaker and weaker and in his mind Edward started to draw wings to his brother's back. And when the doctor had shaken his head slowly, gave them forms to fill and blank apologizes to live with, John had frozen and that night he had let Edward to hold him as he cried for the first time in three months.

Sometimes Edward had almost managed to fool himself to believe that there was nothing wrong with John, nothing to worry about, but when John had started coughing up blood and became unable to speak and the doctors told them that the cancer had spread to his lungs and throat he had been unable to block it out. And as the seconds ticked by with more and more of the life they used to have they found their personal paradise from the double bed in their room. Edward had told both John and himself that they would make it work, they would spend their last days happy and even though John shook his head furiously at the word their, they had tried, they really had, but it's hard to pretend to be fine when the person you love the most in the world is slowly dying. And when John one morning didn't wake up despite being still alive, Edward had known that their half-life would never work.

The heart monitor beeps loudly and he's dragged back to the moment, back to the cold room with his dying brother and it's all too much for him and he kind of wants to just run out of the room and hide and never be found again, but he knows he wouldn't be able to leave his brother now. John's eyelids twitch and Edward swears that he can feel John grasping his hand tightly like saying "I'm scared, don't leave me" before the heart monitor starts to beep and it's a horrible noise, mixed up with a broken, choked up cry and it takes Edward a while to realize that he's the one making the sound. It's horrifying and he's crying, John is not moving and he's so lost. His heart feels cold, heavy and broken in his chest and he kind of wants to climb into his brother's bed and fade away.

It's all too cold and he leans forward to kiss his brother's cold lips one last time, it's just a brotherly peck and he has to swallow back a sob because it hurts.

"Don't be scared, I'm on my way already", he whispers against his brother's lips and he almost smiles because he can feel the pills in the pocket of his jeans.