#When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
#There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
#Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
#Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
#There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
#When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
#Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
#Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
#Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
#Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer... too bad he never cries!
#There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
#Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
#Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
#Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
#It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
#Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
#Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
#Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
#Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
#There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
#Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
#Every ninja is trained by their masters. Masters are trained by Chuck Norris.
#Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
#Hiroshima never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
#As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
#Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
#When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris
#Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
#In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
#Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
#The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
#There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
#When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
#Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
#Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
#Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
#Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
#In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus.
#The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
#He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies.
#When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
#The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
#Chuck Norris make onions cry.